Ode To 2023
The year of 2023 is coming to a close. What a year it has been… Aside from the usual nonsense for the past half decade or so, more things have happened to me in my personal life than in most years. Here is a recount and reflection on it all.
I started the year with the typical expectations. Stuck indoors from the last few years and my anxiety higher than most years, I made it a goal to get better. To get out more and temper my mental state. Still without a full time job, I made it a goal to get one before year’s end. A writer, I had a dream to finally write a book among the several stories I juggle creatively, or at the least progress with them. And as someone who has had meager success in the romance department, I had an inkling of hope this would be the year I finally broke through my lonely streak. Even the slightest success in that regard would be a victory.
Little did I know I would have success in every goal listed. Simultaneously some failures that followed. Moreover, I found both in other avenues I never knew existed for me…
It all began in March, right after my 29th birthday. All of a sudden, reality hit me hard. Like a freight train. I was at the end of my twenties and hadn’t remotely accomplished anything which I thought I could be proud of in my life. It felt like a heavy weight was on me, crushing me. I felt pathetic… inadequate… as a human being in some aspects.
My emotional state plummeted, and all kinds of self depreciation needles started sticking into me. A need to change arose. And I took to it. I changed my lifestyle, taking advantage of my abundant free time from not having a full time job. I made it a goal to get out of my house for at least an hour per day every day. A goal to go somewhere, anywhere, even the same place every day.
It was to counter my sort of shut-in lifestyle which I had grown too comfortable with, especially in the wake of COVID.i didn’t feel like I was living in a world, rather, just in the small space of my room or house.
So I did it. I would often find myself in a park, a bookstore or the main street of small towns. I would often go to the same place multiple days in a week. One of those places was a park near the Hudson River. Even to this day I find myself visiting it, staring out at the water seated at a bench, contemplating life.
My emotional state started to improve. I start to feel more alive. Furthermore, getting out more improved my anxiety and my mental state to more stable levels. Any social or outdoor anxiety started to melt away.
I dared myself to do more, especially with my friends. I started going back to the movie theater more with them. I began being more active in terms of reaching out to them and desired to hang out whenever possible.
My efforts were fruitful as I was starting to improve in strides. I was even able to conquer many fears and anxieties. It was getting so better to go down to the city a few times for job interviews with gradually better mental states as I visited more and more.
While all that was going well for me, there was still one thing that continued to plague me, my meager success with love.
Of all the things which pulled me down in my anxiety and worries over my twenties’ conclusion, my failures in accomplishing even the slightest in terms of love made me feel the most pathetic.
To this point I hadn’t even gotten a first kiss, let alone a first date or relationship. I was infuriated about myself. I questioned if there was something wrong with me, constantly comparing myself to others with success. I couldn’t help but reject any means of positivity or confidence in myself in terms of love and any chance of success.
But as I started to change my lifestyle in general, so did my mindset. While it still continued to bug me that I lacked any success, I changed the mindset to simply take things “day by day, moment by moment.” I began to reject my previous notions about myself even as I still wondered how I could succeed. I decided to simply focus on myself and let fate work out the love story.
“Take things day by day, moment by moment.” I constantly told myself, verbally and non-verbally.
As I delivered on my part, so did fate…
It was a typical Wednesday. I went to a Barnes & Noble I frequented, one which has a large cafe/restaurant which patrons could sit in.
As Wednesday was the day when my Writers Group would meet, I arrived with the intention of doing some work before the evening came. Read up on the piece of whomever was presenting that week and write down notes for the meeting.
I took the escalator down to the main floor, and looked toward the girl ahead and further down the escalator in front of me. Rather…I couldn’t take my eyes off her. From behind with her hair tied up in a ribbon I was intrigued. As I got a glimpse of her face as she got off the elevator, I was captivated. I could hardly contain myself. It was pure disbelief of what I had borne witness to. I watched her move into the cafe and sit at the table, my gaze couldn’t break. For the rest of my visit there, aside from doing the work I promised I would, I would take glances and look at her.
Aside from that however, the rest of my time went without incident. However, I silently told myself I would be going to the bookstore more, just to see her.
The very next week, it was a rainy, muggy day. Smoke was coming from Canada and it was over dreadful outside. Nonetheless, I was determined to get outside. I bought some snacks then made my way to, where else, the bookstore. Fate was kind to me a second time. I saw her again.
A little more daring that day. I sat at the table she was at with a friend of hers, slightly across from them. Like before I looked over every so often.
In a joking way I messaged one of my friends, saying perhaps I should do something. Do something along the lines of advice one of our close friends suggested in terms of asking out a stranger. She suggested leaving a note with a short message with my number on it.
My friend laughed back to me as she likely didn’t expect me to do it. She knew I was the timid sort.
As time passed in that bookstore cafe, the joke started getting serious. I was truly considering doing something. There was this angel or demon over my shoulder warning me I would likely regret it for the rest of my life if I did not do something that afternoon.
So I took a page out of the small notebook I brought with me, and did exactly as my friend advised. I found the perfect opportunity to hand her the note, her friend went to the bathroom, and there I nervously handed her the note. I walked away in an instant, terrified. On the escalator ride up I repeatedly punched myself in the thigh, both congratulating and kicking myself for the act.
When I got to my car, I looked at my phone and a message from an unknown number was there. She responded.
I was elated beyond words.
Our first few texts were sweet, and a great intro to each other. After the initial texts I got on voice chats with my friends, informing them of the news. They shared my elation and congratulated me.
Two days later, it finally came, my first date. I was on Cloud Nine, nay, Cloud Ten that day. We talked for hours, getting to know each other and at the end, I finally experienced my first kiss. Another date and a few more kisses and I was at an all time high. Life was going well.
Then it all fell down…
I took a trip to Texas and when I got back, she was gone. No more messages back, after a few weeks of contact. Ghosted, without so much as a reason why.
Anxieties were abound, out of control. All of a sudden, it all fell apart. It was a mystery I couldn’t figure out.
Heartbroken, I felt lost…
Luckily for me, however, I had a strong support group to help. In the midst of my heartbreak and depression I turned to my friends for help. Asking for advice and often venting my worries and anxieties to them. And they would help, providing very helpful advice and words for me. I can’t put it into words the level of gratitude and appreciation for them during this time.
As if I wasn’t making the effort to hang out with them already, I was doing it even more so now. I was taking much of the energy from my depression and channeling it to other areas and aspects of my life. We started hanging out every week during the summer time, having fun in the movies or Taco Tuesdays. I even started to go to karaoke, frequenting bars for the first time in my life.
In the midst and aftermath of one of the most depressing times of my life, I broke out of my shell. My mindset completely flipped from even earlier in the year. I wanted to get out every day, it felt awful whenever I was indoors. I wanted to go places and explore. My energy was suddenly boundless.
Simultaneously, I still felt stings from my depression over the whole situation. With pain coming in “waves”. But I tackled it with the same statement I repeated to myself before, “take things day by day, moment by moment.” As well as taking the high, positive road.
Despite my getting hurt in the end, I will say I don’t regret a thing. I never will. I took a jump and landed somewhere. Even with all the pain on me which comes up every now and then, I know that I’m in a way better place than I would be if I never gave that girl the note.
Drama didn’t escape me even though I was in the midst of a good wave. Motions and changes in my friend group happened and left a lot of bad blood. But, much like my own saga, such drama was a key to better days and events, which only made my friends and I closer.
One of my biggest goals was finally getting a full time job after a few years of unemployment and only part time work. A goal I’m happy to say I achieved, albeit unexpectedly. It came to my surprise that I was the one who was contacted for a job offer, a result of my repeated applications to a company. Not willing to let the opportunity pass, I accepted it and I can happily say I’m working and finally have a stable income and schedule after so long.
In terms of my writing, my Writers Group is still going strong. We continue to meet every week and share ideas. A few months ago we reached a one year mark of our formation, a significant milestone. While a few members have come and gone, I’m happy to say the core group hasn’t faltered in our commitment. It’s something I really appreciate and look forward to continuing for next year.
Although I may have failed on my dream of finally completing a book by year’s end, my ideas never stop, and I’ve made strides in mapping out my stories and even getting them written. I’m of course going to set the same goals for next year.
The new year is just around the corner. It’s been one hell of a year. In my best recount of my year personally it feels like I’ve left out quite a lot of details, which is a testament to how crazy it has been. Even with just days left, I’m curious to see what the year will bring in its conclusion. And what the next year has in store.
Farewell 2023…
